Have you lost sight of what YOU love?

A rainbow refraction on a wall. I love noticing the small things.

In my I'm Embracing Slow Fashion post, I only scraped the surface of my prior life as the ideal consumer. My hit rate on buying influencer products was close to 100%. Instagram ads targeted me perfectly, almost reading my mind. My credit card bill was high, my closet was full, and I was the unhappiest I've ever been.

Now I don't blame my unhappiness on shopping, rather the shopping was an aggressive symptom of my underlying issues. When I felt anxious, I'd spend more time browsing the "New Arrivals" or "Sale" sections of Zara, Shopbop, and BaubleBar while also stalking the upcoming collections for MAC Cosmetics. 

When I felt inadequate, I could always jump up several points on the happiness scale with a purchase. But the "high" only lasted until I received the emailed order confirmation. My closet overflowed with "going out" dresses, the "it" nail polishes from Chanel (remember Particulière?), and every single color of MAC eyeshadow arranged proudly to show off my "collection".

From the outside my behavior seemed normal. All my friends were shopping, we felt like we deserved to buy things when we spent most of our time working to earn the money, and women are always stereotyped as loving to shop. 

One day while trying to make light conversation my boss asked me, "so what are some of your hobbies?" The question hung in the air as my brain scanned the annals for a response. But I didn't have one. I didn't have hobbies. Looking back on this moment can bring me to tears because I realized I didn't love myself by way of the fact I didn't do anything for myself, my true self.

Once I admitted I was broken on the inside and sought therapy, I was struck by the feeling that I didn't know who I was or even what I liked. So much of what I thought I liked was being fed to me through ads, social media, and what the people around me were doing.

When I felt scared, I couldn't comfort myself. When I felt alone, I couldn't sit with the feeling. When I was cold, I could barely think of ways to get warm. Bottom line, I'd completely lost touch with my basic needs whether physical or emotional.

Thinking back on this time absolutely terrifies me because from the outside I looked like a functional person who actually felt like a zombie on the inside.

Now when I shop, I like to look for things that truly "spark joy" as they say. I enjoy the hunt for a single item (as opposed to 10 iterations of the same purchase), I bypass the ads and being told what to buy, and I only buy the things that I truly want. When I do buy something, the purchase feels like a little love pat on the shoulder from me to me.

Have you lost sight of what YOU love? If you are willing to share, I would love to hear your story over on The Keeper of Things Instagram or comment here.